And the clouds are clearing.

Wow. First I am sorry to anyone who is reading this for the time it has been since my last post. I have been all over the place since then but finally feel that I am me. I am happy. The clouds have cleared and life is great again. Last time I blogged I was in a serious relationship I had been in for 2 and a half years. Well sadly that is over. We both changed and the relationship has reached its end. I was sad. I was mad. I wanted to piss him off and make him jealous. But I am happy and grateful that we had the relationship we had. He held my hand through the councelling and through the vulvodynia and for that I will always be grateful. It was hard. But it was worth it. And I learned that I could be loved for me, without the sex, without the favours, and at my very worst I could be loved for being me. Unfortunately I think this is the end of any form of relationship with him. I think he has played his role in my life, and it was a large role that I thank him greatly for playing, but I think he has done all he can for me and i for him, and it is time to go our separate ways and grow as individuals. And god is it EXCITING!. Its now a few months on from the break up. And these few months I have spent learning about myself. I have decided to try and join the police. It is going to be very difficult as I am still working on overcoming my fear of water, and Im not very fit. I have decided against buying my ex's bike and am instead saving for a Honda Magna. Very nice little bike. And I have discovered I am able to have sex without the need for anistetic and/or other creams and medications. It doesn't hurt! I dont even get a stinging sensation afterwards! It is fantastic! And on top of all this I have changed jobs. Okay its nothing fancy. I've gone from looking after special needs children to working at a supermarket. But I can work more hours, this allows me to continue pursuing the police, I can buy a bike and for once when I get home from work I don't have to worry about work! Today I found something which made me realise just how much things have changed. I discovered my diary from back when I was first diagnosed. I wanted to be a lawyer. I was success driven and constantly full of stress. I worried cause I didnt have a job. I didnt get along with my flatmates. I was devastated over the vulvodynia. I never wanted children, and I judged myself for what my father had done. I wanted to know what had happened. I demanded revenge. I was a broken empty shell of a person. I feel sorry for the me I was. However, things have changed drastically since them. I want to help people so am thinking of becoming a police officer. I still love psychology and plan on returning to study in the future. I no longer want revenge, I just want to play my part in helping making it okay for a little girl like I was. I want to be good at what I do, and I always put in 100% effort, but I no longer get so upset over something that just wasnt meant to be. I know I am good at what I do, and I know that I do not need to stress to succeed. I know I can do it simply by doing what I enjoy and having fun while I get there. I have a job, and its not flash but I am happy to be working. I have the most amazing flatmates, and am actually very close friends with one of them. I have kicked the vulvodynia (touch wood) and feel I have risen above the abuse. I am no longer embarressed, judging myself, or demanding revenge. I dont care what it was that happened, only that I am okay and that he shall never hurt me again. I am a biker girl and I am going to buy my own bike. And I am ready to move on and enjoy my new life. And the best part? Not only can I finally enjoy the physical side of a relationship, but one day I would actually like to have children of my own too. I think I would make a fantastic mother. :)