The Other Me.

I am success personified, I am strong, independent and intelligent. I am caring, friendly and kind. I stand up for myself, my values and my beliefs. I studied at university level at high school, have a diploma in law and am about to complete a degree in psychology. I'm not rich, but I manage my money well enough to never go without the things I need. Despite sexual abuse, being raised by a solo mother (who is an alcoholic), growing up in 'poverty' and attending a school where the success rate is minimal, I am successful. But this is just the me you see.

On the inside there are two. There is me and there is She. I cannot pinpoint the moment She arrived, by I felt it, I felt her, as she slithered on inside. She came without a bang. There was no welcome, no hello not even an introduction. I didn’t even realise she was there. She had made herself at home. She began to rifle through the filing. Lingering on details never before noticed. Like a detective or a spy. She made her first appearance after an unfortunate doctor’s appointment.

My partner and I, only young and only newly together, were like others eager for a physical relationship. I thought it was normal, but he demanded that I shouldn’t be in pain. The sting was not normal, and the burn afterwards wasn’t either. So I mustered up my courage, that strong independant me, and made beeline for the doctor to sort this thing out. Just a cream or a pill, surely thats all. But for me, that wasn’t it. Not at all. Googling my symptoms, my doctor exclaimed “hm yes I thought that might just be the case.” 5 pages of print outs later, I was confused, and not so positive it would all be all right.

I think it must have been here, she had found me right then. It was when they said that word, that life sentence, that curse. That is when that nasty other first put her 2 cents in. ‘Vulvodynia is untreatable, you are never going to be able to do that again.’ I got angry. No that’s Not It! I stormed off and insisted another doctor examine me. Again that nasty word. Yes it fit. It explained so much, but there was so much of it I didn’t want to deal with. It was a life sentence, a devastation to me, but the exact thing the other me was looking for. She bounded out of were ever she had been hiding. With no hello, no introduction, or even how’s your day, she began straight away with the business of her day. she seemed excited by it. ecstatic. “Ha you’re broken” she laughed at me. “Even your body hates you” “you will never be able to please your man, and he will leave.” It hit me hard, and she hit harder. But the first blow is the softest. More of a gentle warning. My man did still want me, and the strong in me demanded it was a hurdle we could overcome. She was sceptical. It became her game to see how often she could make me believe I couldn’t overcome it. Eventually I had adopted her catch phrase. ‘I’m broken’, the first sign of defeat.  

It wasn’t long after that She was given another golden bullet. I decided to change from a law degree to a law diploma, meaning I could finish that year. Awesome, I’m graduating! “But at what?” she demanded “at failing!” I t took a lot to explain to her that this wasn’t the case. That as a sexual abuse victim I originaly felt that as a lawyer I could put the men who hurt little girls like I was away, and make the girls safe. I had realised this wasn’t what law was about, and that I could never help these children in the way I needed too through law. Instead I felt psychology would allow me to truely help these children. And that I could use my bad to make someones good. She called bullshit on this one, and we fought loggerheads on it for some time. Only taking me dropping my guard for a short while and she would be in there, singing on my failure. Eventually I saw my diploma for what it was. It was me dropping out. giving up. but not for laziness, just because of its incompatibility with my life.  I was neither happy with it, nor unhappy. and while at the time I saw this as good, I would come to learn it was but another of her tricks.

The Vulvodynia was her favourite. I tried medication, and she would demand it failed because I was incapable of being fixed. I started councelling for the sexual abuse, her right beside me. She started to do doubt it happened. But I knew. She started blaming me. But it wasn’t, I was a kid. She then decided this was the best time to hide...to change tactics. The Doctors could scene her now, but couldn’t quite be certain. They made me do tests, they all showed positive, but with my other issues, She easily passed herself off as something else.  And with her not able to be detected, She was able to make her actions seem mine.

She started to do ground work. ‘You have no friends’ her main line was. Slowly she proved this time and time again. I threw a grad party, and other than family very few showed up. It was all over by 10... Regular bedtime for me and I’m considered a nana. I tired Birthday party... and like the thousands before it that too failed especially. Housewarming... well I got many one person here.  The proof was there. Maybe she was right. I tried making friends. One seemed to be good. Class mate. He even gave me a discount where he worked. chatted regularly and seemed interested in what I had to say. But asking for coffee was like pulling teeth “he hates you leave him alone” sitting next to him in class became a rarity “why the hell would he want to know you anyways. And eventually it was discovered he was taken “she hates you and he scared she is right, you are after him.” Then my ‘best friend’ walked out. I had asked her to visit the areas my father lived during the years of sexual abuse with me, she refused, claiming I was nasty, selfish and not her friend. I felt alone. All I had left was my partner.

But that was easily fixed. She had already sparked insecurities for me. I am not adventurous enough. I have too many problems. I am broken. and I had her. My partner was about to go to outward bound for 3 weeks. I was terrified. What if he met a woman better than me, more adventurous? She guaranteed that he would be gone within a week of getting back. I was distraught.

This time she was right.

I knew it as soon as he stepped of the plane.

He had returned with a decision to be made. to stay with me or to leave, and go as far away as possible.

I was devastated. Rejected. Alone. I felt unwanted, unloved. Unimportant. And She, oh She had a field day with this one. It was at this point she took the throne. I was fragile before he left, I was only just holding on. But now she had taken the leading role and she had charge of me

.

That’s when Her best friend showed her importance. Some girl. He had meet her on OB. This here was the Jewel In Her crown. Soon she bombarded me with suggestions that will was more interested in this Jen. She was the adventure I was lacking. And when will spent a night uploading photos to jen instead of consoling me She put her boot in. I was a mess. She was convincing me it was all over. that nothing else mattered. This was her first victory.  She left me crawled in a cold shower, Tears running over my face, feet covered in blisters, and my nails dug into my arms. Eventually I fought back. Insisted that I could be fine without will. And he had promised not to meet up with her I insisted was proof that jen didn’t matter. She saw differently. This was just a way to shut you up. He still wont stop talking to her will he?

The next few months were a battle. he wanted to be friends. I decided that was a good idea. Desperate to prove to her that he did care. that it wasn’t me he wanted to leave, that it was simply the pull of travel. This mean nothing to her. to her it sounded more that I was not a strong enough pull to keep him here so anything or anyone could come along and take him. as time when by, he decided that maybe long distance could work. This was a mini win for me, but She was already mighty powerful. She had already destroyed my self-esteem. I needed reinforcements. I needed help. I tried to ask, but she stopped me. She called me selfish, saying that this was not his battle and it was unfair to make him have to put up with it. She reminded me of what I had already put him through. the vuvlodynia. and then she showed me again, he doesn’t really care. He asked for space. something I was not 100% of the meaning. She claimed  it was his way of saying leave me alone I don’t want to see you or hear from you again. I didn’t really want to believe it. But she showed me. He said don’t be clingy. this meant don’t kiss/hug without invite first. she reminded me again and again of ever kiss that was followed with a push. Im sure there were others, but she has hidden them from me. She shows me again and again where he sits in jonnys room talking and ignoring me. and the worst she eventually started to put the idea that maybe he was interested in the new flatmate into my head. She showed how he didn’t want me to visit for lunch, because even work was better than seeing me. She pointed out his obvious priorities, and that I was very low on it. I was devastated.  It was here I realised she was a problem. She started taking control of my actions. my body began to respond to her not me. Especially driving. I would have someone pull out in front of me and instead of braking like a normal person, I didn’t care. or if someone came out of a side road and almost into the side of me, I didn’t swerve. I didn’t care. I began hearing her thoughts. Its just one human life. No one really cares. If you die you die, It happens to everyone. I was scared. she was beginning to win.

.

I tried to fight back. I picked up my st johns wart. guzzling a pill down I hoped that would knock her out for 5 while I figured out what to do next. I rung my doc. made an appointment. But I was ashamed. How was I going to explain this battle. how I had failed. how much she ruled the roost. I walked away with a diagnostic of mild depression and to continue the st johns. They were like shooting kids Nes foam bullets at an  enraged bear. of no effect.

It didn’t help my relationship. Maybe she is right, maybe he hated me at that moment. he snapped at me. over nothing. just a simple run to the gym might be faster than trying to jump start the bike to get their. He left. I left. I sulked. I wanted to die then. I tired to find help. Jordans. Stephs. No one was home. I came back, locked myself away. hiding. scared. Knowing that this was the end of the relationship, the end of the only support I have, and the end of my battle. She was going to win. I didn’t even get a txt to say sorry. Will and I talked about this. She was present of course. I am desperate. I need a life line and this is the only one I have. I convince him to continue together but him move out. he was originally for it being over completely but I convinvced him. a small win for me for now, but She is adamant he will be gone soon. he wants out. he hates you. he cant stand being with you. He doesn’t even want you around for his sisters birthday. I cry. I cry so much I feel like I'm all out of tears.

It seemed like it was going well. But she wasn’t going to stay out of this. I needed help. I felt I had reached out but I hadn’t enough. I wanted to reach out to William. She wouldn't let me. “Its unfair. look at what you have done to him already. hes been through enough. no wonder he hates you. He wants space not your problems. And space was what he wanted. She clarified that for me. She stated it meant He didn’t want anything to do with me, didn’t want to see me or hear from me. I was devastated. I needed him. I needed him to know what was going on. That I needed people. But he didn’t want to know. and It was unfair to say that to him because then the would never get any space.

I tried to get a job, something to prove to her that I was successful and could win this, and something to give William the space needed.. But this plan was not at all fool proof. The job itself seemed okay, but She insisted I was well out of my depth. One day I was attacked by a client. The was Her favourite part. She now plays it like a picture show, cackling like the witch she is. I panicked at work, requiring medication. This pleased  her to no end. She was thrilled. It was working. She had got me to take the pills. The first sign that she may be winning the overall battle. Not to mention that she knew, if she could destroy my career, then her victory would be imminent.

She had also been having a go with will again. She had pulled apart the last 4 months showing me the things will did that showed that he hated me. I was distraught. The She decided she had evidence that the Jen girl was still there and there was something. The night before Will had been too ‘tired’ after a family birthday party and cancelled plans (was miscommunication). This was already enough fuel for her. then she showed me his messages. there was one from the night before. I threw a tantrum. With that will broke up with me. The worst part is she had got her message wrong. it wasn’t from him but to him. But that didn’t matter, She had won this bout. She had finally destroyed will and I.

Now she meets her final frontier. Me. The Real Me. The strong, indepenant and intelliegent woman. who is caring, friendly and kind. The woman who stands up for herself, her values and beliefs. Who had succeeded and can succeed again. A woman who despite it all, Is and will be successful.

I realized that there needs only one of me. And that only one of us can survive.  Either I need to kill her or she will kill me. With this sudden realisation, that strength surged through me just enough for me to call out for help. Picking up the phone I called the Crisis Team. With the full bottle of pills in one hand and tears streaming from my eyes, I finally admitted what She was. And what She wanted. I had severe depression and she wanted to kill me. I wanted to kill myself. The next week was hard.

They took away the st johns, the only think keeping her from winning completely. While this gave the opportunity for people to see i need help, it also gave her an opportunity to give herself one last massive go. She yells at me it will not work. and demands to know why i'm bothering. In a seductive manner she claims ah but we both know the easiest and best way out of all this. Its tempting. at the moment more tempting than anything else in the world. She asks why, why wont i. I say i couldnt hurt those who care about me like that. She asks and who are they again. My mother - "a woman who you call for help and support that then turns it into a contest of who has the worst problems?" My grandmother - "a woman who abandoned you when you needed her the most, when her son raped you?" My Grandfather - "a man who couldnt have cared less about his first grandaughter graduating, and who doesnt believe mental illness exists at all?" My Sister - " the girl who blames you for her failure, because you required extra care after the abuse? who has said she wish i was dead?" My Partner - "you mean your ex who has little time for you, has broken up with you several times and who in 6mths time will be so busy in america he will forget you even exist?" My friends - What ones? the ones who come when they fear you will kill yourself but who never even txt u otherwise? they simply dont want the blood on their hands." And again Why? She demands. Because I want a life. And I want to get better. And I think I can do it. only 2 weeks and the medication will have you silenced.  Her final fighting words? We will see about that...