A little introduction

Hi,
Where to even start. I'm a 21 year old psychology student. From the outside looking in my life is wonderful and I am a happy, confident, strong and independent woman. On the inside its a whole new world. Daily, I just want to run. run and run and run and never turn back. I want to run until my life, my pain, my world can never catch up. But the things I wish to run from shall never leave my side. Some days I cant walk. I cant sit. I cant stand. I'm on fire, I sting and I hurt. This is just how it is, day to day, hour to hour, living with Vulvodynia. Vulvo-what? Vulvodynia. To me it is where my muscles are so tense in and around my vaginal area that they sting. When I use the bathroom it stings like I'm pouring acid on fresh wounds. And sometimes it means that just the way I stand can hurt like someone is stabbing me there. For other women who suffer this illness it can be a very different experience. Vulvodynia is simply unexplained chronic pain of the vulva. This illness is awful to live with, but many of us do it, and do so in secret. I mean how many people, other than your doctor, would you be able to talk to about your difficult and painful bits?
I was lucky. I knew the cause of mine. But then again I don't really think lucky is the right word. Here I want to take you back a bit. Approximately 16-18 years. I want you to imagine this now. I was a cute smiley blond haired little girl. I loved my barbie dolls and my pet dog. And of course I loved my family, My sister, my mother and my father. And they loved me. But my father loved me in a special way. A way no father should ever do. When I was 3-4 he separated from my mother, and went to live with his mother. From this point on every second weekend and every other holiday I would make the 4 hour trip from my mothers place to my grandmothers house to visit my father. Sometimes he would have his own house. These times were worse. My most vivid memory was of a place about halfway between my mothers house and my grandmothers. I remember having to lock myself in his flatmates daughters wardrobe to hide from him, terrified of what would happen. I remember him feeding me kiwifruit and then offering me something a little different to taste. And these were only the beginning. Until only a month ago I couldn't brush my back teeth as the flashbacks and the muscle memories were too much for me to handle. Mouthwash was the only way I could even get to the back of my mouth. Bananas were torture. And still I can't handle water on my face without panicking. I can't go swimming. I can't wash my face properly. I can't even enjoy the feeling of the warm shower water running over my face. It all sounds a little silly doesn't it. How can being sexually abused at a young age do all this to a 21 year old? Your body remembers things. It learns certain sensations are dangerous, and are related to things it doesn't like. My body had plenty, and its taking time to work through them.
Life is not all bad though. As of a week ago tomorrow I have experience my first ever pain-free sex with my partner of 2 and a half years. (we hadn't actually had sexual intercourse at all for the majority of that) It was amazing, and hopefully is a sign that I am finally winning the fight against Vulvodynia. I just got a new job, working with special needs children at a respite care unit, and while I am terrified that if my boss found out I had been sexually abused she would assume that I would be inclined to abuse the children, I am super excited and looking forward to every minute of it. I am in my final year of my undergraduate degree and already a thousand doors are open wide. My boss has already said that they would like to take me on to do my placement for my doctorate once I get to that stage in my studies. I have been told to apply at two different universities as both think I will be a valuable student to have in their post graduate classes. My psychologist has said that I have finally dealt with the abuse in a healthy way, and that the flashbacks and effects will slowly disappear (and they actually are alot faster than I expected). My physiotherapist I saw for Vulvodynia has said I no longer need to visit her, as my muscles have began to learn how to relax, and its just a matter of time. And I'm surrounded by wonderful friends. From the outside looking in I'm set up. There is nothing I need to worry about, and nothing that could hold me down. If only they knew the half of it. Behind this strong beautiful happy woman is one about to break down.

For more information on Vulvodynia please see: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/vulvodynia/DS00159